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Deep Impact is like Armegeddon, except it sucks. Armegeddon is a much better movie, by far. Deep Impact blew their wad on a computer generated tidal wave.

A geeky kid is out star-gazing with his family and the girl next door, and somehow discovers a “naked eye” comet (where was David Levy? On vacation?). He sends a photo to an observatory to be confirmed. The Geeky astronomer boots up his computer, looks at the photos sent in by the geeky kid, then uses a program to compute the comet’s path. He says, “Hi there little fella! Where are you headed?” The computer shows us that the comet is directly headed for Earth! He tosses his pizza aside and his geek-o-sphere quickly collapses. Papers and photos get in the way of his keyboard commands! He tries to email this catastrophic news to someone, but the server is down! He tries one more time, but noooo, the geek only has one internet access connection and it is down! He copies the information to a floppy disk labeled AT&T (does he work for AT&T, or are they providing his faulty internet access?) He jumps into his vehicle, because clearly he’d rather personally deliver a single floppy disc by car than wait for his internet connection to free up. This geek is having such a bad tech day! He tries to drive and use his cell phone at the same time and ends up crashing to his death.

One year later a snoopy reporter (played by Téa Leoni, David Duchovny’s wife), unwittingly uncovers the story about ELE. She thinks she’s found a politician’s mistress, until the President summons her and asks her what she knows about ELE. Later, she decides to research this story a little bit more thoroughly and logs on the internet. She draws conclusions from surfing the web for information about E.L.E. and finds a webpage from Berkley University about dinosaurs becoming extinct from an Extinction Level Event. It’s the first webpage she looked at, and she starts acting with her neck (sucks in her neck muscles), and ends her search. Hollywood has a pretty good fantasy about searching the web for information. I’m surprised she didn’t just immediately start hacking into the Defense Department! While she was surfing the net, data scrolling by made little whirring sounds, it seems Hollywood has a real hard time showing us computer data in an exciting way.

NASA launches a mission very similar to Armageddon’s mission. They must land on the comet, poke a nuclear bomb into the centre of it, and blow the thing to smithereens. These scenes are very entertaining. They try really hard to fake anti-gravity, it’s so goofy! Watch for the actor faking gravity by faking slowmotion while he looks out the window. They have a hell of time getting that bomb in the centre of the comet, one of them actually had to jump on it! They succeed in splitting the comet into two. It was kinda funny when one of the astronauts gets in the way of a geyser and is sent flying out into the coldness of space while his buddy screams in agony as the suns rays blind him. Umm... excuse me Mr. Astronaut, just look the other way! I’m sorry, but you could not feel sorry for them. After failing to destroy the comet, the US prepares plan B; digging caves, and saving 2 of each animal species and a million people, and some seeds. There’s a lottery, and the government also chooses people they like, damning the rest to a miserable, slow death.

Throughout the movie, babies and kids are constantly held up to cameras as if to say, “There! You happy now? The comet is going to kill these babies!” You wait and wait for the devastation, but it never comes. The only relief is when the very annoying neck-acting reporter gets creamed by the tidal wave with her even more annoying father. Unfortunately the geeky kid who discovered the comet survives with his child-bride by running up a hill while she lugs her baby sister. Ugh.

This movie is not recommended for geeks, or anyone else. It was Speilberg drivel. However, The child-bride’s mother was played by Tasha Yar. What was she thinking, leaving Star Trek? If you are Tasha Yar, please email me and explain!

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