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blinking girl and cupid

I had a mind-numbing crush on Bill Gates. I’m willing to accept it now, after months of denial. For some reason it’s not something I’m very proud of, but I have to be true to myself and my feelings.

It started very innocently. It was as simple as finding myself unable to say nasty things about him around my friends when we’d see him on the news. It rapidly progressed to the stage of me having the VCR constantly ready to record Bill whenever he might appear on TV. I loved watching Bill, standing and talking in his frumpy sweaters.

The next step was his appearance in my dreams. In the beginning he would be a mere character standing in the sidelines of my dreams, silently observing, but he eventually moved into the spotlight. For reasons of common decency I will not divulge the content of those later dreams. I will only say that they involved a certain cream pie.

I was still in denial at this point. I sought out and learned everything I could about him... the blueprints of his new house, his resume, even his family tree. I think I visited every site devoted to him on the Web, and there are thousands! I found myself emailing [email protected] once a day, giving words of encouragement and solace. I also sent him a Geek Mate Date Card... he never replied, but somehow I knew he read them and I’m certain they now have a cherished place among his art collection.

The peak of my crush came when I mind-numbingly ignored my work, and wrote essays about Bill and his business tactics. My boss tolerated this for about a week, but after he extracted all the business tips he could, he handed me my walking papers.

This was actually the beginning-of-the-end of the crush. After I was fired, I did everything in my power to get a job at Microsoft. My efforts were rewarded. I started as a receptionist but after they discovered my extensive knowledge of DOS, I was moved into product development. Luckily all those days of learning DOS as a homage to Billy paid off. I worked there for three months without ever seeing my dear Billy.

My crush came to a head at the Microsoft Christmas party. There was a rumour He would appear so I was dressed to the nines, had my hair done and everything. I even bought a new pair of glasses for the occasion. I was filling up at the punch bowl when I first laid eyes on Him. He wore a wonderful snowflake patterned sweater, thick, olive-green cords and he had a new pair of glasses too! I froze in my tracks, I don’t know how many minutes passed as I was watching him glide around the room, shaking hands and chuckling. Suddenly He was two feet away from me and I was next in line for the hand shake. I was trembling, broke into a cold sweat, my knees were knocking, my mouth was pasty.

“Hello, I’m Bill, and I’m very pleased to meet you.” he said glancing over my shoulder.

Hearing him speak in real life was the Crush-Antidote. My infatuation vanished, instantly vaporizing at the mere sound of his voice.

“Mmm, charmed, I’m sure.” I didn’t know where that came from, my childhood spent watching all those 60’s musicals, I suppose.

But by then he was gone, onward to the next handshake. The mind-numbing crush was over, and I must say that I was relieved. It was like the sun has come out from the thick Redmond fog.

Later that evening I met someone else, a programmer named Bob, and we’ve been going out ever since. I guess I should thank Bill for that. After all, he did shift my path in life. Perhaps he had planned it all along, remolding my image from afar into that of a DOS geek, preparing me for my eventual encounter with Bob. No doubt Bill also influenced Bob, subtly manipulating Bob’s life path so that he would meet me there at the party that night, and possess all the attributes that I would find attractive.

Bill Gates, you are the most romantic man alive!



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